50 Pounds of Heidi

by Hipster Racist

[ed note: It is with great joy I present Hipster Racist, a fellow who’s far more handsome than I, a better dresser and almost as funny. If you don’t get him, well – you’re just a goddamned idiotard. In every presentation of humor there is a vast portion of Truth – and a kick in the head with a steel-toed boot…]

In France they call it a "Royale with cheese."

In France they call it a “Royale with cheese.”

“That asshole Morris never knocks,” Heidi thought, as she locked the office door. She went back to her desk, sat down, grabbed the computer’s mouse, and clicked “Next.”

Dear Heidi,

Thanks for all you do fighting racism and oppression. As a strong Black woman, I can’t believe that here it is in 2013 and we still have ignorant hateful racists. Just last month while driving south to Florida I stopped at an All American Convenience Store on I-95, and was reminded yet again of how far we have to go in this country. There was a white man, about 6 foot 3, muscular, with brown hair and blue eyes, wearing a Confederate flag on his muscle shirt! I couldn’t believe it. He glanced at me, and immediately I froze. I felt his micro-aggressions all over my body. I felt as disempowered as a slave girl cowering in front of mean Mr. Charlie, while he leers at me, whip in hand, as if I was his property. As if he owned me.

He glanced at my body, his eyes moving from my legs to my eyes, and he spoke: “Howdy, ma’am.” His accent made it sound like “Howdy, mammy” and I felt ashamed, reminded of the legacy of slavery and my lack of power and privilege. I felt invisible, desexualized, as if I was just an Aunt Jemimah, stereotyped as a non-sexual being. As if we needed any more proof that racism continues to divide us and keeps us from coming together.

Sincerely,

Tanisha Jackson

fatphobia

But come back later after we close.

Heidi was unimpressed. The reality was so different than her early ideas of what fighting racism would be like. She had imagined Ku Klux Klansmen, three at a time, riding up on their horses, snatching her up, and ravishing her in the woods; that moment when the robes came off – but the hoods stayed on (the hoods ALWAYS stayed on!)

Or Neo-Nazis, with their Hugo Boss uniforms and black boots, spanking her with their little leather whips, calling her a “dirty little jewess” and forcing her to say things, bad things. Naughty things no Jewish girl should say. Making her do things – want to do things! – things she had never even done with Tony the Italian boy who had lived near NYU. And she had done things with Tony she could never tell the rabbi! Ari just wouldn’t understand anyway.

But the last neo-nazi they found was a mild mannered accountant with a wife and kids. An accountant – like Uncle Abbie! That was not what she had in mind!

She clicked “Next.”

Dear Heidi,

I would like to draw your attention to a new form of virulent racism that is going under the radar of anti-hate activists. Hipster racism. Hipster racism is just like regular racism except it’s “ironic” but is still used to marginalize and isolate people of color, especially, women of color.

Last week in Brooklyn I was at the coffee shop with my friend from class, Andrew, who happens to be white. Two white girls he knows sat down with us. When a song by a white artist came on, they all seemed to know it. I just asked who it was, and one of the white girls said “Rihanna” and they all laughed. I felt humiliated. Andrew said, “oh don’t pay attention to them, they’re just hipsters” and they all laughed again. I felt excluded, turned into the “other” and reminded of my “place” and how “different” I am.

Sincerely,

Maria Gomez

Hipster racism?” Heidi thought. She had heard about “hipsters,” fashionable urban whites with exclusionary and elitist attitudes. Heidi leaned back, and imagined herself in Brooklyn, at a private, luxury aerobics studio. Her instructor, Mr. H., tall, thin, with lean muscles. Cocky enough, he was wearing glasses that she knew weren’t prescription, but the moustache! Narrower than a cop moustache, but just wide enough it wouldn’t arouse (ooh!) too much suspicion. But she knew! She wiggled in her seat and closed her eyes …

Hotter than a bad yenta's dream.

Hotter than a bad yenta’s dream.

She had been on the treadmill forever, she felt. Hours. Days. Time had lost all meaning. Her entire body ached, and soaked in sweat, her panties were even more moist under her sweatpants. She burned all over.

Smack! She felt his hand smack her ass, hard. Hard enough she let out an involutary moan. Her breath ragged, her voice hoarse, barely able to speak she begged softly, “please, I can’t! I have to stop!”

Smack! “Ooh, ow!” she shrieked.

Mr. H spoke. “You don’t stop until I say you stop.”

“Yes, sir,” she replied meekly.

“I own you, Heidi. You signed the contract. Until I get my 50 pounds, you are my property. Do you understand?”

“Yes sir!”

“It’s not kosher to be a fat little piggy, now is it, Heidi?” Smack!

“Oh, no, I’m sorry Mr. H.”

Just when she could take no more, he turned off the treadmill. She stepped off, stumbled to him, and sank down to her knees, her zaftig figure jiggling as she hit the floor, hard.

“Well your next meal won’t be kosher either!”

“Yes, sir, yes please!” She moaned. She looked up into his prussian blue eyes. Opened mouth and drooling slightly, she reached up, unzipped his ridiculously skinny jeans, and fumbling around, finally felt the warmth of his fat, uncircumcized member. She wanted to devour him – she was hungry for him. She enveloped him with her lips, hungrily taking him into her famished mouth.

Heidi moaned at her desk. Squish squish.

“You like that, don’t you, Heido Ho!”

“Yes! Yes!” she cried out.

Fat Camp for Cutie

Fat Camp for Cutie

Squish squish.

The knock on the door startled her, but she was too far along to stop now.

“Mrs. Beirich, we’ve got that Aryan Brotherhood member in Corcoran Prison you wanted to interview, line two. The one with the facial tatoos?”

“Yes! OK, just a minute!”

Squish squish.

Mmrhf.

19 Responses to “50 Pounds of Heidi”

  1. Reblogged this on Mindweapons in Ragnarok and commented:
    Very good satire by the Hipster Racist.

  2. Good lord, funny stuff! I havne’t seen anything this funny in a long time!

  3. I don’t think it is satire. The liberals, especially their women, know they are acting like shits. They deserve to be beaten. It would help assuage their guilt if there was a real, in the flesh, bad guy. Imagine their disappointment in their enemies. It’s just like a woman trying to start up a fight with her husband.

  4. Reblogged this on Snake's Archive and commented:
    Shebrew Pr0n

  5. You boys are so naughty! I hope the evil Heidi sees this and cries her eyes out! 🙂

  6. ja rollen en das scheis, grosse jeuden! essen das scheis jeuden frau, mach Schnell! ha-ah das dicke fraue liebe das scheis!

  7. I thought I was the only one who knew what zaftig meant -ha. Lena Dunham, is zaftig. Our 21st Century fat Murkan media-mommas will roll right in to the description as quickly as they rolled out Yiddishisms.

    The hypocrisy of the Liberal Nazi Media Propaganda Machine only matters to one half of Murka, now. The other half lurvs the hypocrisy; they accept it. They want it. The other “enlightened” half just can’t seem to remember (gosh durn it) who the CEOs of the media are – oh, and the disparity of that one persecuted Ethnic Group simultaneously controlling the IRS while being hauled into Congress.

    • “Zaftig” was constantly used in reference to Monica Lewinsky back in 1998.

      [ed note: i wasn’t alive then. geez you’re old]

  8. “No one has ever had a fantasy about being tied to a bed and sexually ravished by someone dressed as a liberal.”

  9. Well, really, that picture of Mr. H. *is* pretty hot… 😀

  10. Israeli nazi porn:

  11. Reblogged this on Zushna and commented:
    50 Pounds of Heidi – I don’t know what to think about this blog text – just that it is excellent and introduces he Hipster Racist. If you don’t know Heidi Beirich is (a leading anti-racist on SPLC), there is an article about her on Metapedia: http://en.metapedia.org/wiki/Heidi_Beirich

    [ednote: so long as you’re thinking, you’re fine with us…]

  12. This is funny HR and really good and its good to see some one else tho sees the truth! 🙂

  13. “No one has ever had a fantasy about being tied to a bed and sexually ravished by someone dressed as a liberal.”

    That was taken from;

    “No one has ever had a fantasy about being tied to a bed and sexually ravished by someone dressed as a conservative.”

    Thing is. How does a liberal, or a conservative, dress? And how do we know nobody has ever had fantasies about people dressed like that?

    And wouldn’t most sexual fantasies picture NAKED peeps?

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